You’ve planned the words. You’ve planned the delivery. And you’ve prepared yourself to the fullest extent. Finally, you shake off the excess nervousness and walk over. Then you open your mouth…
… and come across as a retarded mule asking for an extra helping of carrots!
Learning how to talk to girls can seem overwhelming. But with the right techniques, talking to girls is actually pretty straightforward.
The situation above is slight exaggeration perhaps, but we have met enough men who have described similar situations to us (maybe not in those exact words, but still) to know that the reality isn’t far off.
Talking to girls is a trial by fire that can send cold sweat down your brow. For many guys, just walking over and saying something can be hard. So they stay where they are, envying the guys approaching the women, as they ”have it all”.
But the grass is not always greener on that side of the fence either.
An equally large group of men have told us how they can easily start a conversation with a woman, but cannot seem to make it go anywhere or keep her interest. They know how to approach girls, start a conversation and make it past those initial seconds. And they even get a conversation going. They’re having fun and it seems to be going their way. Then she smiles and says, “It was really nice talking to you”, and walks away.
These guys come to us, puzzled, asking what went wrong.
They started a conversation. They didn’t say anything offensive or wrong. She should have been all over them… shouldn’t she?
When Our Conceptions Crash With Reality…
Years ago, I also thought it was that easy. I though that… as long as we got into a conversation… as long as we could just have a bit of her time… she would be ours and find us fascinating and charming and reliable.
But eventually, I learned how to approach and start conversations with girls, only to find that the women we talked to would excuse herself after a couple of minutes to go talk to the handsome guy at the bar that she had been eyeing surreptitiously the whole time I had stood there, talking to her. Or worse, she’d go and talk to the seemingly unattractive guy she had been eyeing.
Something was off!
…It’s Back To The Drawing Board
So I dived deeper. I opened myself up to the possibility that our ideas and methods of conversing with women weren’t the sure-fire ticket to romance that we had thought it was, and I started digging.
I hung out with guys that ”had it” — men who always seemed to having women chasing them. I approached thousands of women, putting my hard earned lessons into practice. Soon, my old beliefs started coming apart at the seams… and I noticed patterns in my interactions. I saw how certain behaviors and certain ways of talking to girls triggered very different responses than what you usually get. And I started getting results that would seem unthinkable when I started out.
The idea of how to talk to a girl presented in popular media — winning her over by logically demonstrating how great of a guy you are by being ever-attentive, available, kind, politically correct, etc. — is actually completely counterproductive. Not only does it not work, but it also turns her off!
What you learn is, women are intrigued and attracted to very different things than what we had been made to believe, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
Women are looking for certain traits in a man. And they discover them — or realize they are not there — based on how he communicates. Therefore, by learning how to communicate in a certain way that conveys those traits, you’ll notice that women’s reactions to you change in very profound and pleasing ways.
If you’re reading this and following what I’m saying, then the scenario at the start of this article probably struck a chord with you. If that’s the case, wonderful! Because I’ll help you change that in the course of this article.
Let go of all your old preconceptions, and keep an open mind to the principles that follow. When you apply them in your life, you can talk to women in a captivating ways that makes here attracted to you.
Here they are:
1. Don’t EVER Seek Approval
Most men do this. But there is nothing more akin to kryptonite when talking to women as being needy and seeking approval.
Women desire men who are confident, and who are checking if she is good enough for him, and not if she thinks he is good enough for her. Let that sink in, because this single little sentence is a life-changer.
When men seek approval, it implicitly indicates that he doesn’t trust his own opinion of himself, or that he values others’ opinion above his own. This is detrimental to a woman’s attraction for him, and will kill your chances instantly.
Instead, when talking to a girl, you want to tease her, challenge her and be playful.
Think of how you would treat your little sister. You’d speak to her with love and care, but at the same time with authority and playfulness — always keeping her guessing.
Would you react and become self-conscious because of something your little sister said to you? Of course not! Therefore, there’s no reason to react to a woman you’ve just met in that way.
Give her a cheeky nickname. Hold a door open for her and close it just before she goes through and say, ‘Too slow, try again!”
You’re the one screening her.
Does she have humor? Can she control her temper? Does she have an attitude problem? Is she confident in herself? Does she meet yourstandards?
Put her to the test. It will flip the rules completely. And if you feel nervous about doing this, the rest assured… women absolutely love this behavior in a man. In her mind, you will seem like Brad Pitt taped to a litter of kittens.
2. Don’t Try To Brag Or Show Off
This is another biggie, and one that might seem counterintuitive.
You’re probably thinking that a woman would love to find out that you’re rich… that you drive a Ferrari… that you got top grades in school… and that you have six-pack abs. That would make you seem successful and attractive, right?
Sure, a woman will appreciate those things. But only if she discovers it by herself. If you keep telling her and showing off about it though… she’ll lose attraction for you.
Men who understand how to talk to girls never do this. Because when you brag to a woman, you are sending the message that she is the buyer and you are the seller.
She will look under the hood, kick the tires and make sure you are all you’re cracked up to be. Like we said in the previous section, this is not desirable for you. Bragging and showing off also telegraphs a sense of insecurity. It’s a form of approval seeking as well, when you’re yearning for recognition for your achievements.
If you flaunt all those things — your money, a Ferrari, good grades, etc. — it might intrigue a woman to date you. But, more often than not, she will just see you as a sugar daddy. This isn’t the healthiest basis for a relationship.
Instead of bragging, be humble and down-to-earth.
Don’t be overly modest. But avoid showing off, and let her find things out in time. If you haven’t told her something impressive about you, she will be much more surprised when she does find out — and fascinated and curious about why you didn’t brag about it from the instant you met her, which will score you points in her book.
3. Keep The Conversation Light And Fun — Avoid Loaded, Bland and Negative Topics
Ever been out on the town to have a fun time with your friends, and then ended up talking to someone who wants to discuss politics, religion or how their bad health is affecting them? (And often, these morons believe that the alcohol they have consumed somehow enhances their ability to have an intelligent, interesting conversation!)
If you have, then you will no doubt be aware of how unfathomably boring such conversations are. Yet, so many men seem to believe that this is the way to win a woman’s affection: boring her to death or arguing over loaded subjects.
Of course, much up it can be attributed to nervousness. And when a conversation or a date starts to get stale or awkward… it’s our instinct to grasp at every conversational straw that we’ve got at our disposal. However, it doesn’t help. And you should generally avoid such topics.
You probably go on a date or approach a woman because you would like to get to know her and have fun. So… make that your primary goal.
While you’re out talking to girls, keep the conversation light, easy flowing and fun. Don’t be afraid to change the topic or even interrupt her to say something now and then. If she starts to talk about loaded topics herself, then gently steer the conversation in another direction. (Asking her open-ended questions is a good way to do that. See the next section.)
You may protest to this, since you and your friends can discuss these kind of topics the whole night and have a great time. But the thing is… men connect through sparring and games of one-upmanship. But women don’tconnect that way. Conversations like these may be a good way to befriend a man, but when you want to charm and connect with a woman, keep the conversation fun and easy-going.
4. Ask The Right Questions — Open, Not Closed
As men, we have a way of communicating in a very straightforward manner:
Man 1: ‘Did you see the match last night?’
Man 2: ‘Yeah’
Man 1: ‘Nice goal by Arshavin, right?’
Man 2: ‘Yeah!’
Man 1: ‘That Rooney’s a bit of a tosser though huh?’
Man 2: ‘Totally’
Sparkling conversation, right? But we men talk like that, because it suits us very well. We like, efficient, straightforward, logical ways of communicating. And it definitely works in our favor, when something needs doing. It’s one of our great strengths. But when dealing with women, though, it becomes one of our shortcomings.
Women are enlivened by detail-rich communication. They like to pay a lot more attention the smaller points and the experience than we men do.
It’s like this: When we men want information, we want a telegram with the key points. But women want to be painted a picture of what happened. Women communicate in a much more emotional way than men. Therefore, when a man tries to communicate with a woman in a male way, she is often uninterested. And when a woman tries to communicate with a man in a feminine way, the man is often left confused, wondering why she just can’t get to the point of what’s being done.
We men want to “close” a conversational thread with a decisive argument or a solution to a problem. That’s why we ask closed “yes/no” questions. Women, on the other hand, prefer open conversation, where they can expand upon a subject and let the conversation flow naturally.
If you want to captivate a woman when you speak with her, you need to learn how to ask open-ended questions.
Let’s look at an example, where a woman tells you she’s just been to Greece.
The male, “closed” way of communicating:
“Oh, really, was it cool?”
“Yes.”
“Awesome.”
The feminine, “open” way of communicating:
“Oh, really. I’ve always liked Greece. It’s a fascinating country. What was the best thing about being there?”
“Well, I really loved the sea at night. It was just so….”
The first response question will garner a simple “yes” or “no” response. And that will be the end of the topic. But with the second response question, the woman is allowed to speak completely and paint a picture. And it’s easy to follow up with further questions as she goes on. You don’t have to even say much!
The beauty of this is you can let her do most of the talking. This solves the problem of “running out of things to say”. And it lets her connect with you.
Women are used to being talked to death by men who are interested in them. Therefore, when they meet a man who actually takes an interest in her and listens to what she has to say, you will definitely stand out in her eyes.
5. Talk With Passion And Energy
Positivity is contagious. Everyone loves to hang around positive people, and share the vibe. When you mix that with passion and enthusiasm, you become enthralling.
We’ve asked many women what they think is the most attractive quality in a man, and passion has popped up a lot of times. A passionate man is in touch with his drives and his masculine energy. And being in that presence really invigorates and enlivens a woman — not to mention that it turns her on like a building on fire.
It’s connected to what we noted in the previous section: that women prefer a more emotional way of communicating. So when talking to women, don’t talk like you would to a mate. Don’t speak with simple, concise and logical sentences.
Liven it up.
Talk with energy. Allow your emotions to be a part of the way you talk. Gesture more and make your words come alive. If this seems foreign to you, remind yourself that you do it every time you watch football, and you’re screaming at the screen or shouting at the players. Of course, there’s no need to shout in her face. But fill your words with emotion and talk to her like you are excited to be having the conversation… like it makes you come alive. It might feel awkward at first. But doing it on purpose will make you do it naturally after a while.
Make a commitment to yourself right now. Talk with more energy and emotion — both when talking to women and men. We tell our students to do this when they’re speaking with women. And they always notice the difference!
6. Avoid The “Nice Guy Trap”, By Stating Your Desire
This is the most important part when mastering how to talk to girls. Without this, all the other steps combined may not help at all. So pay attention.
A lot of guys we know are real charming men: they are fun, lively and comfortable speaking to women. Yet, they often end up in the friend zone by having the women suggest that they “just be friends”. It’s because they fail to do one simple thing: actually display interest in the woman.
This is really important. Yet men constantly learn to hide their interest or pretend it’s not here, attempting to “go under the radar” until the woman likes him enough that it’s a certainty.
This is the step where we shoot ourselves in the foot with a rocket launcher.
Women want to feel desired. And it’s really hard for them to feel attracted to a man who doesn’t dare to show his card.
This isn’t to be misunderstood as an encouragement to drool all over every woman you like, showering her with compliments to get her to like you. Those men are on the other extreme of the scales, and they fare no better. A woman wants to be desired — but only by a man who is secure in himself, and can share that desire without fear or hidden agendas.
Drop it in a few times during your conversation. Don’t make a big deal out of it. But let her know that you fancy her. For example, if she says she studies economics, reply:
“Ok, so you studied economics. I like that. It means you’re smart as well as sexy”
And then just keep going where you left off. Don’t turn silent and await a response or a reaction. State your desire comfortably and honestly.
7. … But Leave Her Wanting More
When you can state your desire honestly in this way, it takes her off guard. And it definitely intrigues her that you can be this shamelessly honest about it.
It also leaves her wanting more — making her chase you for more of those good feeling she gets from hearing you say it. This really amps up the sexual tension and you can keep putting in these small comments to sexually spike the conversation. Each time you do it the tension rises, making it exponentially more powerful as time goes by. And by the end of the night she’ll be ready to jump your bones.
Learning to show your desire in this way will clearly let women know that you are not looking for friendship alone. And it also lets you filter out those who aren’t interested in you in the first place, saving yourself a lot of hassle.
If you make all seven of these principles a habit, your life with women and dating will be transformed. Yet, what you’ve read here is really just the tip of the iceberg. We save all our best advice for our inner circle of email subscribers. And if you’re at all serious about getting this area of your life handled, you need to get on our list immediately.
